19 Years On: Notes from a Life in Leiden
Welcome to Ruth's Corner, a monthly column curated by our helpdesk professional Ruth to share with you her experience and expertise! This month it's about leaving the Netherlands.
After nearly 19 years of living in the Netherlands, I’ve gathered quite a collection of moments. Some I learned the easy way, and some not so much! Some of these experiences, surprises, and small victories have shaped my experience of living here.
Cultural differences
In the early days of my arrival, I expected people to respond and act like me. When they didn't, I would be shocked or traumatised because I did not understand. I later learnt that this is what culture shock is. They don't respond or act like me, because they were brought up differently, with different values and norms. I still get surprised, but I have learned to alter my expectations and be more open to the differences.
Hints/Tips: Maybe you recognise these feelings too, keep going.
Dutch can be learnt
As someone who is not naturally talented in languages, I was unsure how I would learn Dutch especially since when I last lived here (many years ago), I struggled to even learn the basics. I only learnt French at school by copying text from books!
I would say I am reasonably fluent now; and I am proud of that fact. I still have days where I start a sentence in Dutch and then realise I have no idea how to complete the sentence! or I get tongue tied when speaking and feel like I am back to basics again. You can always criticise yourself for what you still don't know. However, I have learnt to celebrate the fact that I am understood, and I understand what people say back to me, and I know the more I use it, or listen to it, the more fluent and natural it becomes.
Hints/Tips: If you are in this position or even if you are at the beginning of learning, teach yourself to celebrate your successes however small. I will always be an English person speaking Dutch, but I am understood!! And I understand!!
Creating a "Sinterklaas Surprise" at your child's school are a big thing!
Sinterklaas surprises are a popular tradition for primary aged children. Each student is given a name of a classmate and secretly makes a creative, handmade gift package (surprise) for that person. The surprise usually contains a small present and a funny poem about the recipient. The surprise is often designed to reflect the recipient's hobbies or interests and can be anything from a cardboard football to a miniature airplane. Our first year here, we hadn't appreciated how important it was to create this large surprise and only wrapped up the present with bows and ribbons. We discovered later that the children my kids had been picked to buy for were so disappointed because they did not get a super surprise, that one of them even cried. The next year, we ensured we did not make the same mistake and became super creative.
Hints/Tips: If you come across a tradition such as this, check with a Dutch person what is expected, it will save you some trauma in the long run!
It is ok to mix with people from your own culture
Before coming to live in the Netherlands, I had decided to limit my involvement with English speakers as much as possible and work on building relationships with the Dutch community in Leiden. The reason for this was that I felt it was important to integrate here as much and as quickly as possible, as this was going to be my new home.
This ended up being a very hard time for me personally, I did not have a job at this point, and my Dutch was not good enough to hold long conversations, and I was alone at home a lot. I found that building relationships with Dutch people initially was harder than I had expected, and it led to me feeling quite isolated and frustrated by simple things.
I had set my bar too high for myself, and I learnt later that I needed to balance this out with mixing with people who were in a similar situation to me and who also spoke English, this came as a great relief to me. I realised that having a mixture of both Dutch and English-speaking friends is ok. Does this sound familiar?
Hints/Tips: Speaking with others from your own culture does not make you a failure. Balance your time with both Dutch friends and friends from your own culture, it will help you in the longer term.
3rd of October craziness!
The 3rd of October is a special celebration in Leiden, lots of red starts appearing around town and as soon as the first roads begin to the be closed and the fun fair starts to go up everyone begins to get excited. The night before there are often local bands playing in the city and it is fun to take part in the festivities. I might not know all the songs that they are singing but the atmosphere is so infectious that you get carried away with it. There is just this great feeling of being together to be silly and have fun.
Then on the day itself, I like watching the parade go through Leiden. When we first experienced 3rd October, it seemed like the parade was much bigger than it is now but that could just be me romanticising it.
If you haven't experienced 3rd of October yet, you are in for a treat It. It is a special day. I often prefer it to celebrating the King's birthday because if feels more personal as it is for Leiden residents and not the whole country.
Hints/Tips: Experience some of the unique things about Dutch culture, you may find you enjoy it.
You often only get invited to a Dutch person's house for coffee and not dinner and usually by appointment
Where I come from in the North of England, we like to have people round for drinks but also meals, it is seen as something very normal to do. Here, I had to learn that people will often come for a coffee or a borrell, but you rarely get an invite to eat a meal at someone's home, the exception to this is when Dutch people had lived in other cultures themselves, then they often are more open to hosting people in their own home even for a meal. It took me time to get used to this, but I adapted and didn't take it personally.
Hints/Tips: Learn to adapt and appreciate the times when people do invite you for dinner or lunch, it can be a lovely surprise.
Alot of Dutch people do not like the “birthday circle” but do it anyway!
Do you know what I am talking about?
The birthday circle of doom (what we as a family call it) takes place when you get an invite from a neighbour or friend to attend a birthday party. Before you have even sat down, it is tradition to greet everyone (who incidentally are sat in a circle) and congratulate them on the birthday of the person whose party you have been invited to. It felt very unnatural to do this but for some Dutch people it is a tradition. However, I was relieved to learn later that some Dutch people also find this awkward as well, and it wasn't just me.
Hints/Tips: Even Dutch people struggle with certain customs or just don't like them. Take part if you want but know you can also just not do it, and you won't be perceived as rude.
Greeting random people in a Dr's waiting room or at the dentist is normal
I was surprised to see people calling out a greeting when they first walked into the doctor's waiting room or at the dentist. I would only normally do this when I knew someone, but it seems to be the norm here to do that and it is a thing I really like and I have embraced it.
Hints/Tips: Dutch people are not unfriendly, they like interacting with strangers in these situations. So, embrace the experience.
My final surprise was.... Shopping "returning goods"
In the UK, if you buy something from a shop and change your mind about something so can return it no problem. I once even returned a box of cereal because I did not like the taste, the customer service person at the shop did not question me about why, they just refunded me my money despite the fact it was open. Now maybe I got lucky, but it was then a shock to find in the Netherlands it works quite differently. What follows was my experience of returning something to a shop here in the Netherlands.
After a few days of buying a pair of shoes, I realised they did not fit me properly and I wanted to return them. What I hadn't realised was that it is very important to leave the shoe sticker on until you were sure you did not wish to bring them back.
Unfortunately, I had removed the sticker, and staff members proceeded to educate me on how wrong this was. It was very confronting coming from a society where no questions were asked if you returned something to being interrogated. It was quite shocking to discover that people were not as easy about returns here and that you had to have a very good reason for bringing something back. I learnt my lesson quickly.
Hints/Tips: Clashes like this can be off putting but I would encourage you to dust yourself off and see it as an opportunity to grow, even if it is through gritted teeth.
Conclusions
Even after all these experiences, shocks, and surprises, the Netherlands feels more like home to me than my own country. That realisation still surprises me, especially considering there were times when I was mentally packing my bags every week, ready to leave.
Over the years, living here has helped me better understand Dutch life and learn a great deal about myself and others. I feel richer, more resilient, and a little more well-rounded.